Monthly Archives: July 2018
Time
My people
Strong people
Shoot the Moon – Norah Jones
The summer days are gone too soon
You shoot the moon
And miss completely
And now you’re left to face the gloom
The empty room that once smelled sweetly
Of all the flowers you plucked if only
You knew the reason
Why you had to each be lonely
Was it just the season?
You shoot the moon
And miss completely
And now you’re left to face the gloom
The empty room that once smelled sweetly
Of all the flowers you plucked if only
You knew the reason
Why you had to each be lonely
Was it just the season?
Now the fall is here again
You can’t begin to give in
It’s all over
When the snows come rolling through
You’re rolling too with some new lover
Will you think of times you’ve told me
That you knew the reason
Why we had to each be lonely
It was just the season
You can’t begin to give in
It’s all over
When the snows come rolling through
You’re rolling too with some new lover
Will you think of times you’ve told me
That you knew the reason
Why we had to each be lonely
It was just the season
Will you think of times you’ve told me
That you knew the reason
Why we had to each be lonely
It was just the season
That you knew the reason
Why we had to each be lonely
It was just the season
Elusive
Searching for answers that remain elusive
the unknowns that stack up
The stats that say treat and it could all fade away
experience that tells me
as I sink down
waking up sweating
going to bed feeling cold.
Watching the love affair that was fade out in to the distance
now that I am a mess…
The scary cold hard truths revealed in shades of grey in my body
and your unknown status.
It scares you, has you shaken,
I get it
you never asked for this.
The only way to avoid HPV is to never have sex.
I know all too well how I took my life in my own hands everytime
when I decided to have somebody new.
Risk is like rolling the dice –
The chronic carrier state could have been weeks or years…
Looking at it all
everything messed up lately.
Slamming yet a new supplement
in an effort to regain some ground lost
losing ground…
losing and we have all see what these deaths look like
know all too well the downward spiral.
A third of my life down I just didn’t quite expect it like this.
The men in my life they all surf through
asymptomatic
and I am standing here
as viral load mounts
knowing the chronic fatigue all over again
knowing pain and it isn’t so bad on the spectrum I have ever experienced
so my doc he jokes how I don’t let on
that though I am slipping I stand there with a big smile
like everything is ok, like it is all just fine.
I “present well”,
we all know too well in this line of work
you shove down your own needs
delayed gratification,
Put others first
and never let on that you are human
that you grieve, that you are working in pain
under the weight of a fatigue so deep.
I’m a Mess lyrics – Bebe Rexha
Everything’s been so messed up here lately
Pretty sure he don’t wanna be my baby
Oh, he don’t love me, he don’t love me
He don’t love me, he don’t love me, but that’s OK
‘Cause I love me, yeah, I love me
Yeah, I love me, yeah, I love myself anyway
[Verse 2]
Nobody shows up unless I’m paying
Have a drink on me, cheers to the failing
Oh, he don’t love me, he don’t love me
He don’t love me, he don’t love me, but that’s OK
‘Cause I love me, yeah, I love me
Yeah, I love me, yeah, I love myself anyway
Facing mortality
Today as I am brought
to turn stats over in my head
to face my own mortality
knowing everything is a gamble and
our best defences only limit risk I wonder…
What next in life can go wrong?
How next can my immune system fail?
As I am forced to slow down
sleeping at work when nothing is going on
and the pain that I have gotten used to,
the fragility of my existance
that balance can tip and it did again.
I have seen so many people die
and if that is to be me I hope fast at it.
This struggle when I know my immune system is
going down fighting,
fighting and losing was hard to take the last 2 weeks
harder still is the answer
that in itself reveals only unknowns, indefinites
and most likely more painful interventions to come
most of all, unlike the naive,
I know this doesn’t go away.
As to the risks I took,
I was aware.
Were they worth it? Even it is kills me?
Yes, I’d say so.
We only life once and going through the motions
well… I did that for years and that is just a slower, much unhappier way to die.
If you can’t accept me as I am, the loss is yours
I look back at that failed relationship and I realize
we lost one another when
we stopped accepting one another for who we were
and instead tried to force one another to be
something we never can be.
First I have to forgive myself
for working so hard at the wrong thing
then I have to forgive you for all you tried and failed at
now simply cherish the times we made one another laugh so hard,
the times we enjoyed sitting in the sun
the long drives
the quiet winter nights by the fire
and all we taught one another
the thing is I could not be here enjoying my present as it is
had I not gone through the past to arrive here
in the moment of awakening
there are no regrets
I made the choices I did at the time
because they were exactly what I wanted at the time
and as to losing you on the way,
we were already long gone from one another by then.
Insecure
Today I realize without a doubt
how insecure you are.
How no one can make you stable, secure or happy
you must first find that within yourself.
You have spent a lifetime running from one woman to the next
one job to the next, one home to the next
never settling
too afraid to stay
too afraid to face what is within you
and yet you have gone through the motions
attended all the mindfulness workshops
mediateted you way through so many retreats
for what?
so you could avoid your inner most truths?
I was mistaken years ago,
I thought if I proved I wouldn’t walk away
was there no matter what
provided you a stable, secure routine
you be able to settle down and work through
too much you avoid
in an effort to prevent you floundering at the door to your death
so that instead of facing it with anger, fear and so many regrets
perhaps you would have been able to say
’ I am ok to go’
instead. I feel as though the time I invested was for nought
Reactive, angry and flighty you remain
it makes me so sad.
Painted love affair 