Monsters

Work

The pieces of life we carry

Can’t quite ever be away from you

can’t quite stand to be completely out on my own

can tell you don’t want me to leave

but I do

slowly…

into the early warm summer evening

thinking about all the times

all the years

sitting out there

wondering were we so different

how many mistakes we made

how many fights we had

how much laughter….

how in life we pick up where we left off

and these days that seems easy

on the surface it is easy

deeper though it will be destructive I am sure.

I don’t know…

I don’t know a damn thing

but I know time

slips through our fingers like sand

I know times and life itself will get harder

as it often does

But perhaps there are a handful of moments still

to sit out in the sun

to make tomato basil pizza from scratch…

What did we accomplish here?

What did we learn?

That we are breakable

completely utterly breakable

that we can do that

to one another

sink

you into your drugs and pain

and me into my starving myself and gruelling workouts

that was our coping mechanism apart?!?

we are dysfuncational

but we are also one another’s saving grace

– that we can make each other laugh –

through the banter and the BS

there is always the stripped bare honesty

at our most basic

we have been honest

bitterly so.

I stare around and realize

we have imploded over our time apart

I don’t really garden but still claim to

neither do you really…

You are working out again

that is good.

I don’t know what to do these days

stand there breathing?

wait for something to cause my heart to break (again?).

The neighbours all greet me by name

as if nothing has changed

and for today

I am not grumpy, emotionally exhausted

perhaps my replies are something civilized.

How did our lives get here

what did we do and why?

Chasing something else

for….to prove…to take familiar old roads?

To come back around

to settle down

to admit

I didn’t need all those courses

but needed to go the distance?

To learn to articulate everything I saw as wrong,

missing…

so if we learn from this

it is that we need many things, many people

to fill our gaps

to make us whole

because I have only ever had one partner

time has not changed that.

Some pieces and people in our lives

are

simply irreplaceable

can’t undo time

can only learn and shape the present

sit down to decide

what to keep

keep all the pieces

and make it all work

carry it all into the future

because I am stronger than I’ve ever been

more fulfilled on every level than ever before

no one person can do that.

I’m always…

“Takes so much to be a marvel
In this day and age
Every road has been followed
Every mistake’s been made

But there’s a lot to be desired
And I find myself in memories
Still alive just behind my eyes
Seems the more I go leaving home looking for
What I need’s been buried in my soul“

– William Prince – Breathless lyrics