Own it or feel worthless

Way back to balance

You never mentioned breaking a metatarsal…

you leave me

stunned in

more

ways than I can say.

You meet me so well

it takes my breath away.

Tracing fingertips along skin

thinking

how we end up here

traveling unfamiliar roads

exploring the unknown

coming out

Stronger

Closer

surprised

in many senses

How

we differ

how we became

and who we are now.

I am not who i was when you first met me

you are not who you once were.

learned behaviour, patterns, coping mechanisms

survival

sex = power

affairs

at the lowest point

for the high.

sacrificing everything for work

punished for it

Thankless, unappreciated.

now to learn

what balance in life is

all over again

and how to be

just be

come out more

self aware,

stronger

closer

Change creeping in

Music filtering through the park

walking down deer trails

overgrown,

grass knee high

thinking how change has come creeping in slow.

Cried a bit over something today

but mostly I feel more relaxed

evening wandering

through move trails

summer evenings

realizing it has been 2 month

taken 2 months to get to this phase.

not quite so reactive

not quite so angry

let things go

and that article quote “ I can now stand to look at dishes in the sink and be ok with it”

ok with walking past

small triggers that used to really bother me.

Now I can let them go..

well…say nothing of ig ones

avoiding those still.

Gardening the last couple days

purpose

work

some sense of having energy and the care

to do things

get my life organized

tidied up

giving away garden plants, lots of them, houseplants too,

Planting new seedlings

More plans to move things around

cleaned the house…

hung up my degrees

space on the wall

as if I may never use any of them ever again

so they hold a place

on display

in the light.

As if to say

I was

I have

I did

but that was then

that was a different version of me.

The old version of me

died

2 months ago

and the new one is slowly forming

Help me out here…

I seem to be

walking away

from triggers

walking away from people

who trigger me

make me angry.

I seem to be

finding a way

Feet carrying me on warm summer nights

now

over new terrain

exploring new places

cool shady trees

and different water features,

thoughts – none,

only peace