Change

I have changed

so slowly it is hard to notice day by day

looking back

I am not the person I was last year,

two years ago,

four years ago

ten years ago.

The versions of myself no longer exist.

I have grown out beyond them,

out beyond what I could have imagined possible back then.

We can’t always see it, where we are headed.

Looking back, sometimes it becomes clear,

how we grow,

how our minds stretch to encompass more,

to see possibilities,

how things could be different.

Sometimes it is a running from,

other times a running to something,

still other times is a the quiet calm

where we feel we are standing still

All the while changes are taking place.

Sometimes we need the challenge,

other times we need to quiet, calm, steady, security

as we move onwards.

Like it or not life moves on constantly.

Some events break us,

some events make us,

through it all we find we are slowly becoming,

becoming more,

becoming deeper,

Calmer,

more self assured,

at ease within ourselves

– coming into our own

and sometimes, just sometimes

my breath is stolen and I am saddened by

the frightened, broken versions I used to be.

Early morning winter thoughts

I lay in the dark

savouring

the silence

the warmth

the fact that I don’t have to do anything.

Time is my own

life is my own

simple things

precious things

I never thought to consider

until recently.

Working more than full time

means burnout looms constant

being “on”, giving of, meeting endless needs of patients

in a time when we all have less and less to give.

Tired at this stage of the pandemic

resentful of anyone and everyone who travels nonessentially

resentful of anyone doing anything in large indoor groups –

don’t get me wrong, we all want to,

we just know we can’t.

The risks too high,

the cost to others around us with weaker immune systems too great.

The line between the right thing and the wrong thing, ever sharpening.

Zero tolerance now for anyone who fails to get the flu shot or their latest covid dose

their selfishness putting everyone around them at risk.

I feel done

spirits low

want nothing material for Christmas.

Cooking food and cleaning my space now feel like amazing accomplishments

self care – that’s what they are, really.

get creative with food,

get excited over chocolate hedgehogs or locally picked kiwis!

Simple things.

After getting approved for a mortgage, stare at condos in a depressed manner

the feeling boxed in, trapped, that’s all.

Stare at the cheapest of houses, costing twice that,

remembering a decade ago when houses were not so far out of reach,

not having any money in the bank back then.

wistful….what ifs. Dreams that die.

my thinking has changed too.

A great divide now

there is essential people and nonessential people

rich people and people who live simply

selfish people and those who give their time and energy away

worthy causes vs wastes of time, money, energy.

That line, those divisions now in my mind.

the break down

the harsh realities

life not so predictable anymore

climate change and disease

the world over – we are all connected

there is no bright future

life will never get easier

in fact it will only get harder

simply to survive.

For now it is patient care

food rescue volunteering.

Working with what we have in front of us

being grateful at every turn

it is not worse

and those precious moments:

laying with my nose pressed into your chest,

just breathing in and out

or those moments stretched out in the dark on the floor in front of the fire

watching the dog, curled up, listening to you breathe as you fall asleep on the couch there.

Enjoying just the moments where time seems suspended –

where life is sweet, deeply fulfilling and I forget everything beyond that

for a little while.

Fall food memories

The rain is coming down outside

fall is most certainly here

I am cooking foods that I haven’t had in years…

apple pie baked with cristco by the taste of it,

while I do my spin workout –

pirogies,

pushing them around in the frying pan

stare at the bubbling in the heat

thinking back years…

Don’t say much

it will stay that way.

There is a line I’ve drawn in the sand.

No excuse not to get vaccinated

and I guess I always knew

we never were a good fit

just check boxes

superficial fun for a while

skin deep

doing things, taking up time

healing a little perhaps

but the truth is

what I never want to tell you,

this never was any kind of love affair

just something much less.

The ease that comes in a second the other day

seeing the fire burning as I walked in

dachshund relaxing on the workman’s blanket spread out there,

now that feels more like home than anything ever has

and it scares me to death.

How it is, just what we do,

simple things

and how easy it is to fall…

now I’m just in this state I don’t want to be in.

Seeing how what looks good and what feels right are two dramatically different things.

I’m not an open book you can riffle through

just cold hard truths spread out there.

There is nothing magic

and no perfect fit

in life

hearts of glass…

The steady hand I got used to.

Simple things

Cleaned for the first time in 2 weeks,

am excited to get 2 days off in a row…

little things in life

being short staffed all the time

has dropped us all into this kind of perspective altered numbness

with the off the wall humour

that has me laughing so hard a colleague walking past last night asks if I am ok

and nod and say sorry, too sick to share…

because not everyone is that far gone I suppose.

we exists in this brittle nut house

where the work mounts

where time marches on

and tasks are endless

with the hilarious relief coupled with disbelief

when you discover a slow leak from upstairs for the last 3 days

we all put up with could actually be a none issue

if we simply shut off that toilet!

but instead idiots simply heaped towels and flannels down on the floor up there

leaving them soaking….letting water drip down, down, down to the floor below.

dear god where has it all gone?

or has it always been this bad

and I didn’t used to be so complacent,

this lacking in questioning things

but at least I put up a BIG sign and gave marching orders for the day

who knows,

by tonight the floor might not be wet…because perhaps

people actually took the time to be conscientious.

time will tell.

for now it is small things that make me happy

like a long outdoor bike ride and a sunny break from the rain

or eating apple crumble for breakfast just because