Trying

Down time

Down time

alone with my thoughts

day off

before a long stretch down in it.

colleague complaining about getting lost

in ED today

where just yesterday

i grumpily saw few

and struggled to think

achy, sick and low.

bounced back today

getting help from a floor team

that tell me what they needed

and a conscientious colleague

who gives me report by phone on her day off…

see yet another patient

in the tower

I saw not too long ago in ED

those failed discharges

the delirium

the slow deaths

the cognitive declines

that we can’t do more for

when they continually refuse our help

Except know that

as months clock up the year

of repeat admissions

pour charting will be the well documented

Arsenal we use

to declare them finally incompetent

and put them into long term care

when they lack so much insight they can no longer

make

any safe decisions…

bowing out of the agitated restless faltering patient’s room

knowing he violent and volatile

knowing

it is only a matter of time

as he fails to give me straight answers

for his children’s names

Feeling a bit odd

when the doc who followed me out of ED

used the information I gathered

the very same the patient no longer recalls

and seems to deny…

so soon out to the community

who gather yet more

rough leg work

that builds a case when I will need it

soon enough.

for now though

i realize

my cheap dress is wearing fast

and my cheap boots are slippery

and if I am going to continue

I will need to sink

money into

far higher quality dresses and boots

knowing simply

none of my fussy expensive tastes

are easily found

and it will take time…

As my crafted lifestyle does

to cultivate

just so

Freya Ridings – Still Have You

Shake your head, say “It’s mad, ” you always do
Hold me down, tell me how it’s not true
These wings could lift us both, but you don’t think so
You are all I wanted, so

If I threw it all away, would I still have you?
If I tried to hit the breaks, would you see right through?
This ain’t the fair-weather love like I’m used to, no
If I threw it all away, would I still have you?

Honey-glazed eyes are gazing into mine
Hold me down, say we’ll never die
These wings could lift us both, but you don’t think so
This is all I wanted to know

If I threw it all away, would I still have you?
If I tried to hit the breaks, would you see right through?
This ain’t the fair-weather love like I’m used to, no
If I threw it all away, would I still have you?
Still have you

‘Cause I feel it turning, the skies are falling
And I need you to need me more than I need you
‘Cause I needed answers, you gave me questions
Say there’s nothing that you wouldn’t do

If I threw it all away, would I still have you?
If I tried to hit the breaks, would you see right through?
Is this the fair-weather love like I used to know?
If I threw it all away, would I still have you?

Still have you
Still have you
Would I still have you?
Would I still have you?
Would I still have you?

Maybe

Maybe this is the reward

being carried by others

being surrounded by love

being cared for

being supported

not having to

Work so damn hard

problem solving

alone

unrecognized and unappreciated.

maybe this is

where it’s at

where I learn slow

not to give it all away

until

there is nothing

left

for me

at the end of the day…

maybe the rough road

that led here

is the right one

the one with no end in sight

full of uncertainty.

The one where I have few answers

and so many questions….

Maybe

this journey

never was about getting anything

close to right.

close to respectable

and is nothing much out beyond

broken

tired

burnt out

constantly shifting

priorities

the highs and the lows

the maze of moments

and getting lost

over and over

in countless ways

living out beyond

any script

of any way I thought it should be

and instead

something without a name.

fading slowly

over years

Into nothing at all…

so if you look into my soul

what will you see?

If you reach out to touch me

what will you feel?

And when all is said and done

Will I be able to say I called my own shots

that I truly lived

that I eventually found some form of contentment?

At this juncture

I leave behind me a wreckage

and the road ahead is unknown

I am getting older

and I wonder will there be meaning in it

will there be something

I am proud of

or felt I did well

or will I simply be tired

having fought hard too long.

simply relieved it is over?

Honouring boundaries

Forward

There is no going back

there is only forward motion

there is only a deep settling

in the quiet

down into my soul

as I refocus

Gather

and once again begin

to climb

and release

old insecurities and deep fears of old.

Becoming something new

demands

a different version of myself

and healing is something

i have committed to.

so now there is

the turning over

of ideas

and a reaffirming

who I am

professionally speaking

a reacquaintance with who I am working so hard to become

Lauren Daigle – Rescue

You are not hidden
There’s never been a moment
You were forgotten
You are not hopeless
Though you have been broken
Your innocence stolen

I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS

I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you

There is no distance
That cannot be covered
Over and over
You’re not defenseless
I’ll be your shelter
I’ll be your armor

I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS

I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It’s true, I will rescue you

I hear the whisper underneath your breath
I hear you whisper, you have nothing left

I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It’s true, I will rescue you

Oh, I will rescue you