change

Significant life altering change

severely stresses me,

paralyzes me

pitches me back

into freeze state.

It is trauma from early childhood development.

the volatile childhood home life

parents fighting leading to kids feeling mortal peril,

their very survival at stake when the parental caregivers they depend upon

for their survival themselves in severe distress.

Then there is the neonatal trauma

first three months of life

medical assaults stacked up

layered on top of each other,

burning, stabbing, drownings labelled medical treatments or

medical interventions.

12-14 painful procedures per 24hrs on average.

The constant fight, flight, freeze.

The hyperarousal and hypoarousal states.

Flooding of cortisol

stress hormones

or crash into exhaustion.

The times I stopped breathing

to be again, violent medical assault- brought back

to the land of the living

I never asked for.

The blood volumes dropping until heart rate faltered.

The transfusion volumes that caused so many brain bleeds

as tiny blood vessels burst under the rapid increase of pressure

As blood was shoved in

to make up for all that was stolen.

They call is a success that I am alive, that I can walk and talk.

They can’t understand the brutally hellish cost.

The countless PTSD episodes

the complex PTSD.

To say nothing of later in life

when stressors, assaults, violence continued in various forms.

Nor can they begin to understand

why my developmental milestones are retarded, impaired,

never feeling safe, never stable enough to be able to learn

most foundational things others take for granted.

At work they can’t cope themselves

So they strike out at the weak who can’t defend themselves

to raw, exhausted and stressed to do so.

They complain when I cry

in my office

or when they are supposed to be the lead in a family conference

and I set my boundaries to try

to protect my peace

or the new manager

deliberately stresses me by ordering my direct supervisors

to put me in areas that are toxic, vindictive and further stress me

then blame me

for how my stress cycles break.

Lately I try to make decisions

struggle to

Am too stuck in freeze state

too much stressful life change at once.