Significant life altering change
severely stresses me,
paralyzes me
pitches me back
into freeze state.
It is trauma from early childhood development.
the volatile childhood home life
parents fighting leading to kids feeling mortal peril,
their very survival at stake when the parental caregivers they depend upon
for their survival themselves in severe distress.
Then there is the neonatal trauma
first three months of life
medical assaults stacked up
layered on top of each other,
burning, stabbing, drownings labelled medical treatments or
medical interventions.
12-14 painful procedures per 24hrs on average.
The constant fight, flight, freeze.
The hyperarousal and hypoarousal states.
Flooding of cortisol
stress hormones
or crash into exhaustion.
The times I stopped breathing
to be again, violent medical assault- brought back
to the land of the living
I never asked for.
The blood volumes dropping until heart rate faltered.
The transfusion volumes that caused so many brain bleeds
as tiny blood vessels burst under the rapid increase of pressure
As blood was shoved in
to make up for all that was stolen.
They call is a success that I am alive, that I can walk and talk.
They can’t understand the brutally hellish cost.
The countless PTSD episodes
the complex PTSD.
To say nothing of later in life
when stressors, assaults, violence continued in various forms.
Nor can they begin to understand
why my developmental milestones are retarded, impaired,
never feeling safe, never stable enough to be able to learn
most foundational things others take for granted.
At work they can’t cope themselves
So they strike out at the weak who can’t defend themselves
to raw, exhausted and stressed to do so.
They complain when I cry
in my office
or when they are supposed to be the lead in a family conference
and I set my boundaries to try
to protect my peace
or the new manager
deliberately stresses me by ordering my direct supervisors
to put me in areas that are toxic, vindictive and further stress me
then blame me
for how my stress cycles break.
Lately I try to make decisions
struggle to
Am too stuck in freeze state
too much stressful life change at once.