burn

Burn

descend into ashes

Hope to rise as something

that has left the vulnerability

the tears behind.

The version of me before this one

was angry

did not cry.

Seems I get complaints

if I am angry

if I cry

if I ask for support

i that gets nothing but more complaints

and I am told it is all my fault.

I have spend 20 years in healthcare

caring for the dying

caring for children with mental, physical and developmental delays

working geriatrics

violent psych

street

Hospital community access.

i have seen

lots of death

lots of unmanaged end stage disease into deaths

gave me a renewed appreciation of good symptom management

and palliative care.

It has left me

with complex PTSD

moral injuries

and ocean of moral distress

and it has changed

my personality

how I act

react

think.

Lately

I am told not to show it

the brokenness.

They say there is a stigma around mental illness

and in healthcare

That is alive and well

even when they say they are there to support

to care

to help

get the support you need.

I am learning

the tough outer shell is better

the version of who I was

the facade of normal is what they all want to see

not weakness

ever vulnerability

even if

the minutes of crying in my office are short

and I get on with the job after.

They don’t want to see or hear about it

it causes staff distress

lit causes complaints

lit causes problems

and the manager says she can’t keep paying for me to be on education leave

her boss, the director will be taking notes at the meeting I attend Monday.

If they are satisfied

if I keep it together

If I can negotiate well enough

when my previous requests for support ended in more complaints

and my previous requests not to be put on a unit I find toxic and stressful

was met with my supervisor telling me my manager was forcing my supervisor to put me

on this toxic floor

ramping up the stress

setting me up

to fail.

Offer up

the best defense

this is the end.

Innocence

was murdered long ago.