What lies beneath
the hesitation
the fear
the unwillingness
is trauma.
The suites where things are already too hot
and it is not yet summer
remind me of patients dying under my hands during the heat wave.
Having to choose
which one to work on and which to see later, too late.
The cool underground parking chat that night with the mortician
busy, run off our feet, bodies found on the floor.
The lack of escape routes, easy exits from suites too high up
make me nervous
too long worked where escape routes were almost constant necessity
working with violent aggressive patients who would pin, corner, shove, punch, kick, bite you…
Lacking the emotional energy, the mental energy or motivation to look
at anything requiring repairs, maintenance, updating.
This recovery road taking up the majority of my time every day in countless ways.
The never wishing to be dependent upon anyone
ever again for anything
less they demand in return more than I am willing to give up, give over.
Nor having the desire to look at anything
that irritates me, makes me think it requires renovations.
After all the years working far too hard
just to get by,
just to get my needs me for things I could not do myself
didn’t have the means to hire strangers, professionals,
was reliant on others, the trade
I feel as though I deserve a break,
deserve the job that pays more, at least permanent full time, if not the speciality pay.
Feel I deserve the home that brings me peace, ease, quiet solitude
rather than the overwhelming exhaustion of being surrounded
by noisy tenants various walls of my space.
I understand how my traumas undermine me
how they trigger me
forcing me to be unable to be open to complaints, criticism, negative feedback.
How harsh, violent, unyielding criticism as a child has instilled uncontrollable, irrational fears
now so immeshed with it.
I understand how my past years of work
in violent, secure unit geripsych facility care
has left me on edge,
unable to separate the ten thousand thin slicing cues that serious threat and harm is coming my way
to be able to
settle
calm
learn and have stayed long enough
to learn the infection control specialty
which would have led in time to
better pay and full time permanent eventually.
I understand how
my current landlord
seeks money and control that way
unable to care for his chronic illness daughter
so seeks to renovict me as a round about way
to control something, anything
even if it is just
gut, renovate, more than double the rental income of the space
pulling the rug out from under
one of the things in my life that was a predictable, steady constant
I have only just begun to trust
but now that too
like all the rest is gone
free fall
flight, flight, freeze, panic cycles
attempt to gain control
attempt to find ways to control
what I can in moments
to in time dig my way out
of this deep dark well