what lies beneath

What lies beneath

the hesitation

the fear

the unwillingness

is trauma.

The suites where things are already too hot

and it is not yet summer

remind me of patients dying under my hands during the heat wave.

Having to choose

which one to work on and which to see later, too late.

The cool underground parking chat that night with the mortician

busy, run off our feet, bodies found on the floor.

The lack of escape routes, easy exits from suites too high up

make me nervous

too long worked where escape routes were almost constant necessity

working with violent aggressive patients who would pin, corner, shove, punch, kick, bite you…

Lacking the emotional energy, the mental energy or motivation to look

at anything requiring repairs, maintenance, updating.

This recovery road taking up the majority of my time every day in countless ways.

The never wishing to be dependent upon anyone

ever again for anything

less they demand in return more than I am willing to give up, give over.

Nor having the desire to look at anything

that irritates me, makes me think it requires renovations.

After all the years working far too hard

just to get by,

just to get my needs me for things I could not do myself

didn’t have the means to hire strangers, professionals,

was reliant on others, the trade

I feel as though I deserve a break,

deserve the job that pays more, at least permanent full time, if not the speciality pay.

Feel I deserve the home that brings me peace, ease, quiet solitude

rather than the overwhelming exhaustion of being surrounded

by noisy tenants various walls of my space.

I understand how my traumas undermine me

how they trigger me

forcing me to be unable to be open to complaints, criticism, negative feedback.

How harsh, violent, unyielding criticism as a child has instilled uncontrollable, irrational fears

now so immeshed with it.

I understand how my past years of work

in violent, secure unit geripsych facility care

has left me on edge,

unable to separate the ten thousand thin slicing cues that serious threat and harm is coming my way

to be able to

settle

calm

learn and have stayed long enough

to learn the infection control specialty

which would have led in time to

better pay and full time permanent eventually.

I understand how

my current landlord

seeks money and control that way

unable to care for his chronic illness daughter

so seeks to renovict me as a round about way

to control something, anything

even if it is just

gut, renovate, more than double the rental income of the space

pulling the rug out from under

one of the things in my life that was a predictable, steady constant

I have only just begun to trust

but now that too

like all the rest is gone

free fall

flight, flight, freeze, panic cycles

attempt to gain control

attempt to find ways to control

what I can in moments

to in time dig my way out

of this deep dark well