i question

I question everything.

I question my ability to keep this job

i question my ability to control any interactions

at work with this job

so heavily eroded has been

the streaky stream of complaints

over the last year and a half in this job

i took….

trying to dig myself out

of sheer, sheer hell then

not being able to stomach going back

to night shifts of severely violent geripsych.

the months off work

the peace, the tears, the suicidal ideation, the depression

the lacking finding any way ahead….

land it comes to this cross roads

the moment

where this current manager undermines me

questions that I can handle this job

the impact of this job on my health

and I…

as employee disability services contacts me yet again

and I try to explain this year

like last year how

i can’t put it in objective terms

any accommodations I need

complex ptsd

the social and abusive damage clocked up

over a lifetime.

control

let it all go

because

I don’t see hope

or possibly for change when I am stuck in it.

i don’t see safety or security here.

i don’t see much of anything good at all.

i see being trapped

beaten down

in cycles

i see job offers that insult way out there with the commute.

i hear being told from the manager she doesn’t think this rotating line

would be good for me

and that I would be forced again to be put in the toxic 5N floor

and I don’t see this getting better.

i see not shackling myself to a mortgage or the bank

i see the near future walking away

from this toxic fuckery

that is healthcare

land I have no idea

what makes me happy anymore.

eqch day drags me down

withdrawn now at work

arrive later

leave the building on breaks

spend most of my time this month sick

last month on stress leave

and I don’t know anything anymore…

don’t know what it is to

find ease or contentment anymore

I recall years ago

working part time

recovering from what I then could not name….

and now that I can

but

the cost of living rises

but the panic attacks

and the floods of tears that drag me down

and the rest has me

thinking there has to be

A better way

to carve out a life

than this

where I am not living

just existing….

and being drained of what existence there is at that.

—-

The gut feeling

deep inside

that says

i don’t like people

they are cruel.

that says I need a quiet alone job

far away from it all

and maybe

employee disability services

can find me some kind of job

that I don’t know exists

That is remote work or something

not this

in the frey

steeped in the stress which worsens each day

and the endless demands upon me

and the complaints

that blame me

for my reactions in self protection

even if it is tears and withdrawal

for how it makes others feel

to witness my distress.

blamed for being in pain 

how is that?