At work
In life in general
I lack boundaries and te ability to say no
the ability to stand up for myself
my needs
my comfort
my wishes.
my manager said so in the latest disciplinary meeting.
I almost got myself into debt
buying a condo with lack of job security
because
my sisters
my mother
their boyfriends
all pressured me
told me it was the right thing to do
but
they really just wanted me to be
like then.
i never will be.
all I want is to be left alone.
all I want is for no demands to be placed upon me
all I want….
are things difficult to articulate
for the work disability management
to then direct a doctor to write on the forms
to then get a different job…maybe.
the damage done to me over years
i wish hadn’t been born
it all started fight, flight, freeze
hypoarousal
hyperarousal
states fromthe torture.
life never was worth it.
change terrifies me
at a primitive level
because it reminds me of the worst of it
on that somatic level
the body remembers
even if
the mind can’t tell you the details.