boundaries and saying no

At work

In life in general

I lack boundaries and te ability to say no

the ability to stand up for myself

my needs

my comfort

my wishes.

my manager said so in the latest disciplinary meeting.

I almost got myself into debt

buying a condo with lack of job security

because

my sisters

my mother

their boyfriends

all pressured me

told me it was the right thing to do

but

they really just wanted me to be

like then.

i never will be.

all I want is to be left alone.

all I want is for no demands to be placed upon me

all I want….

are things difficult to articulate

for the work disability management

to then direct a doctor to write on the forms

to then get a different job…maybe.

the damage done to me over years

i wish hadn’t been born

it all started fight, flight, freeze

hypoarousal

hyperarousal

states fromthe torture.

life never was worth it.

change terrifies me

at a primitive level

because it reminds me of the worst of it

on that somatic level

the body remembers

even if

the mind can’t tell you the details.