Hold the balance

I can smell the sea

in the night air

It takes me back

reminds me of times

I loved deeply

as if not having a dog is cutting off part of who I am

the good is gone

the love is fading

and I am ill tempered, bitter

without something good to hold the balance.

I suppose love heals us

but it takes courage

to do that

facing our worst fears

know what it is to be destroyed

struggle to find a way back

out from the darkness.

 

Soul work

Watching you dismantle your life

sell or give everything away

setting up

to move away

fills me with a kind of wonder and a sadness

money can’t buy you happiness

if we aren’t content within ourselves

nothing, no one and nowhere can fill that void.

I know.

When I moved

I thought I could out run my past

I thought I could become

a version of myself everyone expected to see

I suppose I looked like a catch

certainly had men making all sorts of offers

in that small town

but when it came right down to it

I realized

I couldn’t live a lie

I couldn’t buy into something and someone I wasn’t

no matter how strong

someone else’s traditions and family structure

It would never be enough to hold me.

I remember staring at the 50mg/ml cassette of dilaudid

we as a team

left sitting on the med room counter for hours

just sitting knowing

how far we each have sunk

no one is drawn to working with the dying

unless they understand the darkness

and everyone had their stories

everyone had their reasons to want

an exit.

I remember leaving

burnt out

broken

taking years to recover

knowing nothing

save I had to dismantle my life

in order to

like the pheonix, rise

from the cold ash

of all I used to be

to remake me

to become a healed, whole version

the truer version of myself

and I look at you

preparing to live an ocean away

knowing full well

you need time and space to mature

time and space to learn those lessons for yourself

perhaps then I should simply be flattered that

your girlfriends over the last year have all been

nurses

as if you know what you need to do

and as if everything I had said

the discussions we had

each picking up where the last left off

regardless of the time

have built one upon the other and sunk in.

See I remember thinking the day before I met you

exactly what I’d want in a man if I were to

do there stereotypical thing

when you appeared the very next day.

So now I suppose I am watching

painfully

as you do your soul work

knowing full well there is no short cut,

may you find all you are looking for out there.

Heartbreak moments

Heartbreak moment

run into the regular crew

it hurts

part of my life that used to be….

The daschund took off running

thinking he saw his buddy last night apparently

Heartbreak moment.

I remember when my dog used to do that

thinking he saw Lizette his first owner

heartbreak moments

life is full of them.

Prepping for a sea of new admissions

the tube feed life we keep on borrowed time

the dying URI, UTI, CHF they sent in for IV abx – thought she’d die with us instead, a costly medical onslaught for the same

amid the tsunami of month end paperwork

implementing the new ipad charting system

wonder sometimes

what gets done around here

then I realize we are all slowly drowning

the flood waters keep rising

we adapt

keep treading water

getting fitter, stronger, faster, more efficient

but it will never be quite enough

as we get tired.

Sometimes there is nothing to do

but float there in starfish…

staring out the window at the night

listening to the rain

knowing water is becomming ever more precious

surviving amid the dying.

My coping mechanism is

that dark sicker sense of humour

and taking to swearing at work.

Never set out to be this kind of nurse

never set out to be this kind of professional

it never even crossed my mind my life

would be like this.

Single

got the career

gone is the dog

never thought I’d by the fitness nerd,

never though I’d ever be vegetarian either

yet here I am.

Never crossed my mind I’d get so deeply hurt at work

yet here I am

working in pain

rehabbing slow

new physio all the time.

never thought I’d have friends and lover

yet not have  a relationship in the true sense of the word.

Everything I have become

has been born of a need to survive

Everything I am

has been learned to cope.

Danger

courage

stress

humour

aloof

passionate

intelligent

but making incredibly stupid choices.

Old soul

new heart

old school

modern mind

Deeply conservative in some ways

highly liberal in others

I am full of contradictions

I am nothing I imagined I’d be

yet I am

living this way

If I didn’t like

I’d have changed.

Sam Feldt ft. Jeremy Renner – Heaven (Don’t Have a Name)

Summer rain

The air is damp

you can feel the rain

that has been soaked into the ground

quenching a thirst nothing else can take the place of.

We joke around

like old times

the things I do that will always get to you…

At least we still have the capacity to dissolve into laughter

This cooling off

is welcome from the dry hot endless sun.

I spend too much time thinking

how easy it is to slide back into

the way we were over the years

even if it comes in guarded moments these days…

My love

there will never be a time

I won’t come running when something is truly wrong

yet we can’t trust

that is clear

when you look at me

some part of you fears me

it is a fear that runs deep

carves back into a past

I had no part in creating

yet it lingers….

You create ways and reasons

to force space between us

If I say my life is better

for having set out on my own?

Having a lover who is

for all my anger at the time

a younger, fitter version of you…

Yet I keep that part of my life

controlled, compartmentalized.

Never to let my guard down again

never to lose the life I made

what I poured so much of my time and energy into

Home. That is what I felt I had with you.

Do you hate me for that?

Did I take away you independence?

Did I break down your walls

and it terrified you?

Enough

You had to find someone who dumped you weeks later

as you knew she would

you picked her for that.

The wreckage of life

and I remember the gut wrenching shock

the flood of tears

how I sunk so much energy into academics

into work

into working out

into trying to reclaim myself, rebuild who I was

away from you.

So these days forgive me if I…

fall easily into old patterns

yet always with my guard up.

You broke my trust,

Give me some of that heartbreak back

it will keep me sane, prevent me from making

old mistakes.

No one has taken your place

I haven’t run out and gotten a new partner

I can’t bring  myself to share

any large portion of my life

with anyone

like I used to with you….

I miss it though, often.

I miss knowing someone was there for me

in everyway,

I miss things I can’t name.

 

We all reach that point

Pep talk