Another OR shadow day
up just before 0600hr,
put in an 8 hr day there
come away in the hot sun
cycling home feeling differently
not crying this time
though
I did almost cry several times
talking to other nurses
having worked in the thick of it
COVID ICUs,
burnout coming out as toxic workplaces
where management think no one else can do what they do
where everyone turns on each other
bullying and harassment is the term that nurse used.
I say out loud
that is what happens when we burn
we turn
rip each other apart
our negative energy going somewhere
at those closest to use, our workmates.
Speaking to a nurse been in the game as long as I have
describing how bad it was
and for years
all the things I did
all the horrible situations contained
without back up or support
watch the anesthesiologist
leave for lunch at 1500hr
knowing none of them really had time to do anything between cases
though the eye doc did whip down to NICU
to assess premature infants regarding retinal detachments etc
things that can be fixed…if acted on quick
the body never meant to be out of a womb so early.
thinking about my early start
how lucky i am to be able to
walk, talk, see….
wondering what next
asking for feedback
Liking these 8 hour shifts
the days, yes evening and nights in the rotation too
liking the structure
liking the fact that nurses at least get breaks
even when I watch and know the surgeon and anesthetist often don’t
between cases.
Thinking how life
my life needs balance in it,
needs more structure
that having to lead
Admitting out loud that I was
damn good at what I used to do,
that I handled things well
where few could…
and maybe this is just the universe
holding me back
protecting me from myself
for now
as I heal,
as I find my way towards
something sustainable
but i don’t know what comes next….
at least there is sunshine and it is summer