Out loud

Another OR shadow day

up just before 0600hr,

put in an 8 hr day there

come away in the hot sun

cycling home feeling differently 

not crying this time

though

I did almost cry several times

talking to other nurses

having worked in the thick of it

COVID ICUs,

burnout coming out as toxic workplaces

where management think no one else can do what they do

where everyone turns on each other

bullying and harassment is the term that nurse used.

I say out loud

that is what happens when we burn

we turn

rip each other apart

our negative energy going somewhere 

at those closest to use, our workmates.

Speaking to a nurse been in the game as long as I have

describing how bad it was 

and for years

all the things I did

all the horrible situations contained

without back up or support

watch the anesthesiologist 

leave for lunch at 1500hr

knowing none of them really had time to do anything between cases

though the eye doc did whip down to NICU

to assess premature infants regarding retinal detachments etc

things that can be fixed…if acted on quick

the body never meant to be out of a womb so early.

thinking about my early start

how lucky i am to be able to

walk, talk, see….

wondering what next

asking for feedback

Liking these 8 hour shifts

the days, yes evening and nights in the rotation too

liking the structure

liking the fact that nurses at least get breaks

even when I watch and know the surgeon and anesthetist often don’t

between cases.

Thinking how life

my life needs balance in it,

needs more structure

that having to lead

Admitting out loud that I was

damn good at what I used to do,

that I handled things well

where few could…

and maybe this is just the universe

holding me back

protecting me from myself 

for now

as I heal,

as I find my way towards

something sustainable 

but i don’t know what comes next….

at least there is sunshine and it is summer