Learning to let go of everything

He says

you can write…

and I don’t know about that.

Break all the rules

break down the walls,

fall.

Do away with any way I thought it should be.

Think back years

alone in bed

tears.

Wanting a love like this.

Now I am reminded

I have what I had no idea was possible to

have

or hold.

These days now

broken

spirit

wreckage

the career

I chased

for twenty years easily

that I am not sure

I ever

wanted.

These days I am sure

I am yours.

That I have always been yours

since that moment

walking on campus

walking under fir trees

Crafting a list

to send up to the universe

of everything I wanted

thinking it would never

exist.

But then you did

and I

have not lost you

nor let you go

over the years…

Perhaps

this time

with my career path

now

I have been waiting

for a crash like this

inevitable

couldn’t keep it up

or hide

the resentment and the anger

that I never wanted this work

this job

that path I set myself on

because there was no choice

and I was good

discovering I was good at simple things

staring at my reflection back all those years ago

washing my hands in the hospice sink

between patients.

thinking I was worth something

then.

had value,

was better than just for

the body trade.

so skills are

something no one can take from me.

pretty fades with time.

worth and value fading of that sort

outgrew it.

skills.

what are they

what am I good at anymore?

forgotten

got dragged down

that investigation held me out to impossible standards

no one else ever achieved

and i was set up

out of anger, insecurity and spite.

so what now then?

Who am I

without this job?

who am I without this career?

who was I before all this?

I don’t know

who I am

but I am slowly

out loud saying

I am not

that is not what I do

or who I am anymore.

So I am stuck,

adrift

uncertain

Pulled along by life

in ways I never

thought

I’d ever be

slowly being taught

nothing

taught how

to find life balance