I cry just about
every day.
I can’t go back
to what I used to do
doing see the point of keeping end stage dementia patients alive
i hate
the moral injuries and moral distress caused
by
the terminal agitation and restlessness
getting kicked, hit, never mind the endless verbal abuse.
the team i used to run
turned on me
in their pain, exhaustion and dee in their own burnout.
new bosses have less experience than i,
insecure,
Power hungry and will
strike me down
as i will inevitably only
make them feel weak and the weight of their inexperience
will be rushing them…never mind their own stress levels high
struggling to learn a new job,
losing their grip.
I feel worthless,
having spent 9 years in the lowest seen skilled area of practice there is,
not an asset,
no experience worth much of anything
as i try to beg my way into to jobs
further up the food chain
and everything I have done
to any manager
is weak not strong,
rusty skills,
and my burnout, anxiety, depression
leave my cover letters probably less than crisp
and my interviews…that i cry in
scream
that I will only falter soon
Be a disaster to hire
no matter how
short staffed and in dire need of nurses they are
i am not
what they seek…
Perhaps i do need to take this time
do nothing
find a life out beyond what i used to do
find out who I am beyond making money
again
or perhaps for the first time in my life
just Do things for me
because
i have spent my teens, twenties, thirties most gone now
chasing
the medical field
striving for every opportunity
working far too hard
to get
where
others arrived with ease.
and i am tired
tired of working of hard
of always feeling anxious, afraid, never good enough
so maybe it is time to give up
give in
burn through the money i saved
and sink
because treading water
let alone swimming
is too much work anymore
to not feel wanted, appreciated, or ever told I did well
in that job
i tired so very hard to be so good at
Painted love affair 